You Don't Have to Be a Loser Lesbian
Flirting is an exercise and you should work on your form.
Credentials: Libra Sun, Leo Moon
Bottoms (2023) provided great representation for the loser lesbian, or so I’ve heard. I don’t identify as one, so I can’t speak to that. I’ve been on social media this year and I’ve seen a rise in people talking about how they have “no rizz” and things of that nature. I must say I’m disappointed, we used to be a proper country. What happened to smooth lesbians who knew exactly what to say and how to say it?
Surprising only to me, I’ve had people ask me for flirting tips all semester. I’m not sure why people think I know how to flirt and am qualified to give out advice, but I am. Before I get into the nitty-gritty, I will say the coach does not play, so if my next blog post is me complaining about being single don’t take that as a sign that I don’t know what I’m talking about. I do. Plus, my tips have been corroborated by other successful queer people.
Approach People First
Here’s a little bit about me: I don’t usually get approached while I’m out. We could sit and theorize why or why not, but that doesn’t really concern me. If people don’t approach me, that’s okay because I like to approach people first. I do feel like this is partially a personality thing, but it also says something about the type of life you want to live. Will you spend your whole life waiting for things to happen or will you make them happen?
Even if you’re typically introverted, approaching people is something you can learn. I think part of the reason why I’m comfortable approaching people is because I work a retail job. I do use my retail job as a bit of a social interaction simulator. With retail, there’s a lot of people who you will never see again, so it’s the perfect opportunity to try out jokes and things of that nature. Smile at people, watch how they react. Since I work in a clothing store and people regularly try things on, I often have the job of affirming people that the dress is flattering or convincing people that they do look beautiful (which they do!) By working retail, I’ve gotten a feel for human nature.
Approaching people first is also fun! It’s similar to being the change you want to see in the world. I would love to be approached first, so I approach people first. In my experience, people are usually excited when you talk to them, and who knows maybe they were trying to work up the courage to talk to you all along.
Flirt with People
This might seem obvious, but it actually needs to be said. In order to flirt with someone, you actually need to flirt with them. I know it can be more comfortable to say something that could be interpreted as friendly or flirty, but think of all the times you have wondered if someone was being friendly or flirting with you. YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES. You can make comments that are directly flirty.
Being scared to talk to women is not cute actually. As a Black person, I don’t want to hear that people are too scared to talk to me. Like, maybe I should check my privilege, but seeing hot people isn’t scary. It’s empowering. It’s fun.
Because I know the world we live in, I have to say: experiencing same-sex desire is not embarrassing. You shouldn’t be ashamed. I think internalized homophobia can factor into whether we choose to approach people or not. I’ve had the “what if they think I’m gross” thoughts before and yeah, I’ve internalized a lot more than homophobia, but I digress. Like, what if they think you’re gross? What if? If that’s how someone perceives you, they aren’t even right for you to begin with, so maybe we thank the universe for easily showing us what isn’t for us.
Use your context clues. If you’re in a queer space, it’s probably okay to approach someone because the likelihood of them being queer is higher. In non-queer spaces, I hate to say it but catch a vibe. Be intentional and be safe about how you approach people. I can write out steps as much as I want to, but each situation needs to be individually evaluated.
Get Comfortable with Rejection
Duh, rejection hurts, but that isn’t a good enough reason to not be in control of your life. Rejection is a part of life, and people can reject you if they want. We should encourage rejection. Personally, I would rather be clear about my intentions and rejected immediately than be ambiguous about why I’m speaking with someone and strung along for weeks only to be rejected in the end, when we could’ve handled that already.
I’ve been rejected a lot, and there’s so many categories of it. Some people aren’t gay. Some people are in relationships. Some people aren’t ready. Some people are simply not interested. In a really long drawn out effort to not take things personally, I’ve chilled out some. People rejecting me has very little to do with me. I used to be obsessed with what I was doing wrong and what I could be doing better, but I realized that is very trivial. Something is always wrong and something could always be better, so by trying to fix that you find yourself stuck in an endless time loop of feeling like you aren’t good enough when you definitely are.
You also need to learn your threshold. I got rejected three times in a short period of time, and that did not have a great effect on me. Moving forward, I know exactly how much rejection I can handle before things get depressing, so I hold myself to that standard. I do believe that life is really random and someone could reject you because they are in a bad mood because someone cut them off on the freeway and if you internalize that, you leave yourself worse off than you would’ve been had you let that rejection slide.
When all else fails, just say, “Water off a duck’s back,” over and over and over again until you don’t feel it.
Get Creative
As we have established, flirting is HARD, but that does not mean that you get to be lazy. We’re adults and we can move past saying “omg you’re so pretty” or “i love your vibe/style/anything for that matter.” The problem with those “flirty” remarks is 1) they’re unclear and 2) they are boring. Compliments work better in-person than online, but typically you want to leave people the option to respond with more than thank you.
People who are attractive (usually) know that, so you don’t really stand out from the crowd by telling someone something they hear all the time. (It can still be nice to hear…later.) A trusted source told me that tattoos kind of fall into the same category. Tattooed people know that their tattoos are sexy. It’s also important to say that while making physical contact with someone is traditionally seen as flirty, you may want to think twice before touching someone. Really catch that vibe.
I’m not going to tell you exactly what to say because that wouldn’t be creative, would it? Regardless, the point is you want to be memorable. If you’re charming, people will remember you, and that way you can make sure to get that text when you give out your number. Speaking of giving out numbers, I would advise to ask for someone’s number, so you can keep things in your control, and exchanging numbers is even better.
If you’re out and about and drinks are flowing, it can be easier for someone to forget, so get that number and send that text!
And every remark doesn’t have to be flirty because hot people are people too. Don’t be afraid to start a conversation and sprinkle in the flirts later.
If You Don’t Know, Get to Know
Congratulations! You’ve made it to the end of Saturn’s (Actually Not Foolproof at All) Guide to Flirting. This means you’ve taken the first step to preventing forest fires (the endless loop of “is she flirting with me or just being friendly?”).
All this to say, flirting is a skill and while some people are naturally outgoing, that doesn’t mean we’ve never googled “how to flirt” or asked for flirting tips. The world is your oyster and you learn by doing.
My favorite line to use when flirting is the following:
Is your girlfriend here?
This works for these reasons:
It’s clear your interested in them in a way that isn’t friendly.
You find out if they are or are not available.
They can also lie about having a girlfriend if they aren’t interested. (Easy way out for both parties!)
Hopefully, they’ll respond, “No, I don’t have a girlfriend, why?” And you’ll respond…
I would say this is the line I use to get all my hoes, but I don’t so ring my line.
XOXO,
SATURN (your favorite libra!)